Mom Wants A Diabetes Cure

Thursday, August 30, 2007

Get A Grip Girl

I need to take some deep cleansing breaths, get my shit together, and be happy.

The summer has been quite heavy for me with Jeff working all day and into the night. I've basically been a single stay at home mother since around May or so.

Three months of being a single mom essentially without time off.

14 hour "work" days, 7 days a week is grueling.

The energy provided by the noise the kids make, and the needs that have to be met can be overwhelming.

Add diabetes to the mix and it's a wonder I haven't run off and sought refuge in a coastal Mexican town.

With school starting and me royally screwing up Brendon's first day of school, and me screwing up Jessica's first day by picking her up a 1/2 hour late (I got the wrong time stuck in my head....grrr), I need to get myself organized. And I need to feel buoyant again.

Jeff is taking the kids to his brother's house this weekend. So I will have much needed time to regroup, get organized, and do things that make me happy. It will make me a better mom as I've been pretty grumpy lately.

I'm going to go to the beach with just a beach chair, a book, some water, and sunscreen and relaaaaax.

And then I'm going to a local lobster shack along the shoreline and buying me a 2 lb lobster to boil and eat up at home.

So that's that. Hopefully by next week I'll be my humorous, happy self again :)

I May Have Pooched It Yesterday, But Not Today

OMG, I'm so in the know when it comes to urban slang. How'd I do using it in a sentence?

Brendon was off to school on time :D

And Jessica is now experiencing her first day of Kindergarten (a tiny tear slides down my cheek).

Wednesday, August 29, 2007

Icing On The Cake

Brendon came home from school in good spirits. He likes his teacher. His friend, M, is in his class again...for the 4th year since preschool, and there are girls who may be girlfriend material.

All was well in his world until around 8 p.m. when he complained he still had a headache from the time he came home from school. His number was fine at the time. So must've been from all of the "excitement" of the day. As well as some major playtime afterward.

He had fallen asleep on the couch and when I woke him at 8 o'clock, he complained his head was killing him. I gave him some ibuprofen, and he looked like he was going to throw up.

I took a reading: 48.

So I got a juice box and he only took a few sips before telling me he couldn't drink anymore because he felt like he was going to throw up.

He had 1/2 unit on board with 1.5 hours remaining before it disappeared completely.

So, regardless of whether he's over tired, or going through a stomach bug, I cut back his basal to 40% (no rhyme or reason why...just did it cuz I felt like it) and made him take a couple more sips of juice hoping that cutting him back and the additional sips would bring him up.

He felt clammy to the touch, so no fever. Is the clamminess because he's low or because of a bug...or both?

A half hour later, I take another reading: 45


Stop delivery completely because by now he's out cold (sleeping), but responsive. Of course I get that little jolt of fear hoping that he's actually sleeping and not passed out unconscious from the low. I made him take a few more sips, but it's not enough to do much, but at least it'll make me feel better to know it may save him from another slump.

I just kept plugging away at giving him juice a few sips at a time.

This is written in real time now because I'm about to take another reading. Let's see what it is (cue the Jeopardy music............):


Breath easy. He's just over tired. No stomach bug. Thank frickin Gawd.

Now he has .15u on board, 18 min. remaining, and I've restarted the basal cutting him back 50% for 2.5 hours. I'll check him at 10 o'clock to see where he's at and then relax and watch my favorite show, Rescue apropos.

Can Someone Do Me a Favor?

Take me out into the woods and shoot me. Thanks ahead of time :)

Well today was Brendon's first day of school....only I DIDN'T FUCKING KNOW IT!! It wasn't until my friend called to see how life was treating me now that the kids are in school.

What? School starts tomorrow.
Friend: No, it started today...well at least for one of your kids. Jessica starts tomorrow, right?
Me: So does Brendon.
Friend: No, they start today.

Time of phone call....10:30 a.m.

Mind you, my friend's daughter is in Brendon's grade.

Brendon was still in summer mode wearing his pajamas. So I raced up to his room, got him dressed, dumped the crap out of his backpack that's been sitting in there since June, and raced out of the house and to the school.

He has no snack...nothing.

We're going to orientation today for Jessica, so I'll drop off his snack to his classroom and diabetes info to the nurse.

The notice sent home to Jessica from the school said that school starts on the 30th. I thought it was schoolwide....apparently not.

Way To Go Mario

I was at the park yesterday evesdropping on a couple of dads talking about Miss South Carolina's answer to the final question of the Miss Teen USA pageant. That's how I get my news anymore...eavesdropping.

Could Mario have made it more nerve wracking for the remaining finalists? No wonder why Miss South Carolina's brain went into a nose dive.

If Mike Brady were in Mario's place, he would've given the following shpeel:

"I know you're nervous. But here's a little trick that always works. Just pretend everyone in the audience is in their underwear and you'll be fine."

On a side note: How anyone kept from bursting out laughing is beyond me.

Tuesday, August 28, 2007

If I Could Save Time In A Bottle

Yesterday I bought the kids their new school shoes. They have a pair of sneakers and a pair of plain ol' workaday shoes.

This morning, they wanted to test them out to see if they could run faster. You know how new shoes make you run faster!

Picture this:

Each of them in nothing but a pair of skivvies, their sneakers, and nothing else. It's looked like a reenactment of the ancient Greek Marathon. I guess it would've been more authentic if they were sans the underwear and sneakers. But, anyway...

The three of them are lined up at the starting line at the far end of the kitchen. They're crowded with shoulders overlapping trying to gain position.

Brendon calls the start of the race and they're OFF!! Clip-clumping through the kitchen and into the family room.

Of course Brendon is the victor every time.

I see Jakey trying his damnedest to run as fast as his heavy feet will carry him, trying to keep up with his big brother and big sis. That's how it's been all of his life....trying to keep up....even since he was old enough to hold his head up. He'd squirm across the floor trying to chase after Jess and Bren.

I picture them as teens and think, day you'll be at the front of the help me if you're testing out new shoes, clip-clumping through the kitchen in your underwear.

Monday, August 27, 2007


Jeff just told me he read my post about all of us dying.

He told me he was sitting on the couch last night when Brendon asked if Jeff had life insurance. Jeff said he did. Then Brendon asked, "Do I have life insurance?" Jeff said no.

So I was wondering why Brendon asked about life insurance. And so I asked Brendon. He got upset and yelled at me saying he didn't want to talk about it.

I'm very nervous.

Sunday, August 26, 2007

I Am The Most Rare Type

According to the personality type Julia posted about on her blog, I fall into the INFJ-Confidant category. Only 1% of the population fall into the group. Is that good or bad?

I am in good company with Martin Luther King Jr., and Mother Theresa, Adam Sandler, Anthony Kiedis, and Oprah.

I guess it's a good thing to be that type.

I didn't like any of the occupations that were listed. Oh well.


More accurately....precognition.

When I tell you the following story, keep in mind that the three of us never breathed a word of our thoughts to anyone or each other until recently.

Firstly, for the past year or so, I've had visions of Jeff and the kids perishing in an automobile accident. The thoughts come out of nowhere and they've ranged from just a speck of a thought that immediately goes away as quickly as it's come, to vivid dreams with detail that left me in a cold sweat.

Two days ago, out of the blue, Jessica says to me, "Mom, imagine all of us died and you are all alone. Close your eyes and look at your future. Can you see your future, mom?"

For a five year old to use language in that fashion in addition to her speaking about something that I've been fearing was to say the least...chilling.

Last night, I told Jeff what Jessica said to me, and he said that while the kids and I were away in NJ, he had a dream that the kids and I died in a car accident.

I've had premonitions that have come true the same day I've thought them. And I'm fascinated by the whole power of the mind thing, but these instances are a little too intense for my liking.

Friday, August 24, 2007

You Make Me Laugh

Jessica says to me:

"If I'm a nerd when I grow up, pick out clothes for me."

Don't ask me. What do I know about fashion? Ask Pickle Poppins. He's in the know.

Thursday, August 23, 2007

Once Upon A Time....

For Jessica's 5th birthday, I bought her her very first pet. It was a goldfish. Jessica, with the help of an idea from her Jewish Aunt Jen, dubbed it Goldielox.

Goldie was a good fish. It swam and swished when the water was clean. But, when the water would start getting cloudy, Goldie would slow down and look lethargic. That was the signal for me to clean out the fishbowl.

Well, there was a time when the bowl became a little cloudier than usual. But, I put off cleaning it out. I figured, what's one more day? Those one more days turned into many, many more days. It got to the point where you couldn't even see Goldie unless she was butt up against the side of the bowl. And then she'd completely disappear into a cloud of muck and fish dookie.

One fateful morning, when I went to feed her, I saw her belly up. This would've been a good time to teach the children about the circle of life, but I thought I had cheated them by not cleaning out the bowl when I should've.

Plus, Jake and Bren were begging me to buy them a fish too, and if they knew Goldie was dead, they'd take it as the perfect opportunity to grind me into submission to buy them a fish along with the one I would've bought Jessica to replace Goldie.

So, I decided I wouldn't tell them about Goldie.

I took the fish out of the bowl and flushed it down the toilet. The kids wouldn't have known the fish was gone because remember how cloudy the fishbowl was?

I snuck out of the house and went to the pet store.

The clerk picked out a fish and put it in a bag of water.

I should've paid more attention because when I got home, to my horror, I noticed the fish was totally different. Same species, but different coloring and different size.

No matter. The kids rarely took notice of Goldie anyway, so they wouldn't notice the difference.

I had the fish in a measuring cup full of water while I cleaned out the bowl. It was my usual M.O. to do that.

Brendon came into the kitchen sniffing for food, and noticed what I was doing. He approached the measuring cup and did a double take.

"Why does Goldie look different?"

Snagged! Shit!

"Uh, what do you mean? Goldie doesn't look any different."

"Yeah, she used to be all orange, now she's yellow underneath."

"Yeah, uh, sometimes fish change color. Like in the summer when your hair gets a little lighter."

PLEASE fall for that and stop scrutinizing!!

Brendon shrugged his shoulders and moved on.

Jessica bounded down the stairs and into the kitchen and hopped up on the counter to observe what I was doing. By then "Goldie" was in her fishbowl swimming happily around.

I could see out of the corner of my eye that Jessica was staring intently at "Goldie". My heart sank. She knew.


"Yes, Jessica." Remain silent until confronted.

"Why does Goldie look like a baby? She's so tiny."

Time to lie.

"It's an optical illusion. Sometimes when you see things under water, they look smaller than they really are."

"Oh. She looks so cute."

"Yeah, she is really cute."

Jessica hopped off the counter and bounded into the family room to watch a cartoon while I prepared breakfast.


Wednesday, August 22, 2007

Mary Poppins Can Take A Flying Leap

Brendon walks into my bathroom as I'm applying my makeup.

"Mom, are you wearing that today?"

"Yeah. What, you don't like it?"

He gives a sneer and shakes his head slowly as he looks me up and down.

"You look like Mary Poppins."

I begged to differ, but the seed of self consciousness was planted and began to grow. Hell, if a seven year old boy who was dressed like a pickle thought enough to tell his mother that she's a lousy dresser, then maybe I was dressed ridiculously.

I was wearing a striped polo shirt with a denim skirt. I didn't think my outfit was entirely tasteless and offensive. Careless....perhaps.

"Do you think jeans would make a difference?"

He put his hand to his chin, and said, "Yeah, maybe. Which one is your dresser? I'll pick out a pair for you."

I pointed out which one and he pulled out a pair, brought them over to me, held them up to my waist and told me to hold them while he took a step back and inspected my new look.

"Yeah, I think that'll work", nodding his head with approval.

Friggin fashionista.

Tuesday, August 21, 2007

Deconstruction Of A Rock Band

Rock stars. Damned sons of bitches.

So demanding.

Things don't go exactly they way they envision, and the whole act turns to shit.

Jessica wouldn't show up for the first gig...because there was no chocolate in her dressing room. Jacob was tuning his guitar this way and that until he got just the right sound, nevermind that it sounded exactly the same as before he tuned it...the perfectionist that he is. Brendon became impatient and decided to completely shut down. Nevermind the millions of fans awaiting their comeback:

An attitude like that won't keep the fame aflame, maaan. So Brendon's totally out of the scene.

Jake filled in as lead singer. He couldn't have been more excited to have the opportunity to show who was truly born to be in the spotlight. I had to give into Jessica's demands and track down chocolate so that she would agree to take on lead guitar from Jake.

But of course, being lead got to his head. He's such a damned perfectionist and couldn't get in touch with his FEEELINGS. So he totally scrapped the song:

Rock moody and tempermental.

The Insomniac's Quest

Ah, lack of sleep. There's nothing more refreshing.

It's 3 a.m. and I'm haunted by a blog post I read earlier in the day where the blogger talked about going to a state fair. The post featured a picture of a stand selling deep fried Pepsi.

So I've been wondering all day, how does one deep fry Pepsi? And since there's nothing to do at 3 a.m. other than Google deep fried Pepsi, I set off to find out.

Here are my results:

How to fry Pepsi.

Click on pic to read the explanation.

Sunday, August 19, 2007

The Awesomest Song

I've heard this song on the radio over the past couple of months and never caught the name of the song and who sang it. I absolutely LOVED it and would get excited when it came on.

Tonight I heard it again and made a point to catch some of the lyrics and Google them. Here it is:

Silversun Pickups "Lazy Eye"

I Mean Really Now

Brendon comes down from his room with his friend, C, to inform me that C agreed to give him $4.50 for a baseball card.

I say, "No way. No exchanging money for anything. How do you know how much that card is worth anyway?"

"Mom, this card is worth at least $100 and I'm giving it to him for 75% off".

I love how kids come up with these off the wall notions.

I Am Royally Screwed...I Think.

I have a triathlon coming up in September. I thought it was in the middle of the month. It is in fact going to be on September 8th.

With Jeff's work schedule, I haven't had an energetic moment to myself. Even if I trained with the kids around, the session would've been severly interrupted with their needs. I've blown off training during the entire summer. And not doing the tri is not an option.

So as of today, training commences. I'll just have to suck it up and endure interruptions, complaints, and whatever else the peanut gallery throws my way.

I really hope three weeks of training makes a difference.

I wanted to do this tri in under 2 hours. My new goals are:

To not drown.
To not walk my bike up hills.
To run across the finish line.

Friday, August 17, 2007

My Other Favorite Comedian

Start at minute 12:35 for the funniest part (IMO). Or you can watch the whole's all funny.

Thursday, August 16, 2007

I Need A Good Laugh And The Picklessss

Lately I've been feeling overwhelmed...a bit like I'm drowning so to speak. Let's face it....I've been feeling that way the whole summer. Jeff has been working around the clock. I've had the kids 24/7. In fact, both Jessica and Jake are in my bed as I write this. I got tired of being smacked in the face and headbutted, so here I am at 3 a.m. Other things have added to the mix, and it's hard to cope when your coping mechanisms are burning up and ready to break down.

The first time I saw Dane Cook (it was not in a dum bum chhh) was on Comedy Central a few years ago or so. Ever since then, I've been a big fan of his although nowadays he's just not the same comedian I became a fan of.

I did track down a couple of my most favorite bits he did from that show I first saw him on. And they make me laugh out this day. And laughing adds fuel to my mechanisms.

Wednesday, August 15, 2007

Art Imitates Life

This is an accurate representation of my life on any given day.

May August 29th arrive swiftly. Yay to the start of school!!

Monday, August 13, 2007

What Does A Korean Pedicure and A Salad Have In Common?

To me, Korean nail salons were the stuff of legends. Cheap, beautiful nail jobs were what I knew of them. I had my first experience at one while I was in Jersey.

Jessica and my stepmother were with me and they were both placed in pedicure chairs while I pulled up a seat near Jessica as I waited for my turn.

I was watching The View when Ruby waddled over and started sniffing my feet. Aw, fuck...just what I need. I was wearing flip flops so as not to ruin the impending polish job, so they were vulnerable to this wet, nasty assault by an ugly Pug.

I gently nudged her away, but she kept coming back to me, this time sniffing my leg. Ugh.

My stepmother's pedi was finished and I took her seat. Thankfully Ruby the Pug couldn't reach me there. The pedi-ist started off by soaking my tootsies while I set the chair to vibrate, and massage. I read a year old magazine and relaxed.

The pedi lady returned and began her work. She spoke to her fellow pedi-ist in Korean.

And then she spoke to me.

Let me tell you that I get an anxiety attack when I have to speak to someone with a heavy accent. I want so badly to understand what they're saying and I make a point to listen really hard. But, I get panicked when I can't understand them and have to make them repeat what they say. In fact, I make Jeff call in Chinese food orders because I refuse to speak to the heavily accented order taker especially when they read back the order to make sure they have everything. For all I know, they could be reading back the words to the Star Spangled Banner, and I'll answer "Yes, the order sounds right."

So she says what I hear as:


I panic and say:

"Uh, Yes!" and nod my head stupidly.

She looks at me and realizes I didn't understand a word she said, so she takes matters into her own hands and pulls out a cheese grater-like contraption.

She runs it along the bottom of my foot, but I don't feel a thing as I continue reading my magazine.

I happened to look again at what she was doing and saw something that kind of threw me.

There shavings of my calluses that reminded me of the parmesan cheese shavings I grate over my salads with a potato peeler.

I was fascinated by the resemblance, yet grossed out all at once.

I don't think I'll be having parmesan shavings on my salads anytime soon....if ever again.

Trapped In The Bates Motel

Why is it I can't do anything without a disaster occuring? I can't just simply make a 5 hour drive home without incident.

I set off at 10 a.m. and didn't arrive home until 14 hours later at midnight.

I packed up my luggage and the kids and set off Sunday morning without having eaten breakfast or had a coffee. That is prime for setting off my infamous migraines.

But Jessica certainly had enough to eat and it all came up when I parked at a rest stop to hit the bathrooms (the boys held out for practically 2 hours...what a miracle). Jessica complained she wasn't feeling well and that she had to throw up. She started to vomit and I practically tossed her into a trash can. Sitting right next to it at a picnic bench was an elderly couple eating their lunch. They were so ancient, they hadn't I didn't feel too badly.

She felt much better and was back to normal. Apparently, 5 large caramel coated rice cakes don't settle in the stomach too well.

We got back on the highway again and soon after, the kids started complaining they were hungry. I could feel a migraine settling in and making itself cozy, so I got off an exit that was advertising a convenient stop for McDonalds. Right next to it was a Dunkin' Donuts, so I stopped there first to get some coffee and take an aspirin. While waiting for my coffee, I heard a "ding" which sounded like the indicator for an empty tank. I looked and saw I still had half a tank, but upon looking again, I saw the engine temp indicator was on HOT.

Fuck me slowly with a chainsaw.

I got my coffee, settled into a parking spot and called Jeff. After talking to him, I saw a Gulf station with repair garages across the street and told him I'd get someone to help me out. It was Sunday, so I didn't have much hope that a mechanic was working.

A mechanic was indeed there and he came over to check things out.

He determined there was a leak after pouring water into the coolant thigamajigger and watching it all pour out underneath the van.

Jeff said he'd drive the 3 hours to help me out. Did you know we paid off the van only days before?

The mechanic told me I could park the van in the lot until Jeff arrived. I got some food for us, got us across the street and was THANKFUL that a Super 8 Motel was right in back of the station.

I asked for a room...the biggest they had because I didn't know how long we'd be there, and I needed room for the wild ones to roam. While waiting for the girl to check us in, Brendon said:

"Mom, today is your lucky day."

"Oh yeah? How so?"

"We have McDonalds to eat, a hotel room to cool off and watch TV in, and a man to fix the van."

"It's good for me that I found those four leaf clovers in Grandpa's backyard last weekend, huh."

"Yeah, it is", said Brendon with a big grin on his face.

I got us a room and holed up there until Jeff arrived. He was a sight for sore eyes, for sure and he went to check out the damage and see if he could at least patch it up so that we could drive it home.

He arrived at 1 p.m. We didn't make it out of the hotel until 8:30 p.m. because he had to drive around to see if he could find the stuff he needed to MacGyver a repair.

In the meantime, the kids were hungry, so I ventured out to the vending machines. I wasn't about to drag 3 kids across a busy 4 lane road to hit McD's again.

None of the machines would take my dollars, so I went to the first floor. As I'm choosing what to get, a big burly man walked in and stood at the elevator waiting for it to open. The eyes in the back of my head (the reflection in the window of the vending machine) showed me he was looking me up and down. Let me tell you that he wasn't checking out what was in the machine. Plus, he wasn't the only "dreg of society" to have passed through. I wanted to get the snacks quickly, but not too quickly because I didn't want to take the elevator with him.

But, of course with my luck, I finished at the time the doors were opening.

I opted for the stairs (aka...rape trap).

I was hoping he wouldn't get off and see me running like mad up the stairs with an armload of Smartfood popcorn, a bottle of soda, and Slim Jims.

I got to the 4th floor, opened the door, and stood eye to eye with the big burly guy.


"Wow, you got up here fast!"

Yeah, fat ass...that's what happens when you're not a fatass like you.

I ignored him and walked down the hallway...the wrong way.

I paused at a door and looked to see if he was watching, but he got into his room.

As I walked back...the right way...he came out of his room just as I was passing.


I made it to my room and felt like I was in a horror movie as I'm trying to slip the card in the door lock to unlock it...fumbling and jumbling away. But, I forgot that I told Brendon to lock the other locks behind me to make it extra safe.

I finally made it in.

And later, we finally made it out and home.

You don't know how relieved I was to be in my own house, in my cozy bed, with my family and my "knight in shining armor".

Sweet relief indeed.

Friday, August 10, 2007

Did You Ever See That Movie?

I'm going through withdrawals. I've taken a toke here and there two or three times TOTAL throughout the week by changing my Facebook updates and checking out my emails. Those two things took about 5 minutes to do altogether because that's all I had time for and it did nothing to satiate my need to read through the slogs of blogs I regularly visit. (I can't find a clip of Reefer Madness where the guy has a joint in his mouth and is violently playing the piano....that's what I kind of felt like on occasion...I'm pathetic).

Right now my step-mom and Jess are working on a project that they don't want me to see, and I've read every magazine in the house. We plan to take the kids to an indoor playground/arcade, but Bren is napping. So, there's nothing else to do but to comment on a couple of blogs and write a new post.

Jessica, my step-mom and I went for a pedicure today. It was Jessica's first and it was a real bonding experience.

Jess also lost her toof at the beginning of the week. We set it under her pillow and in the morning she found a dollar in its place. Later that day, Brendon discovered it when he went snooping through my pocketbook and asked me why the tooth fairy didn't take the tooth.

When confronted with a question that you aren't prepared to lie about, do what I did and keep your trap shut! Neither deny nor confirm anything.

It's rainy today.

I hope you're still awake....and if you've read this far...thank you! I'm flattered.

Uh, let's see....

Nope, no way I can drag this post out.

Plus Jake is calling for me to wipe his ass.

See ya'll next week!

Wednesday, August 08, 2007

Before I Forget

First and foremost...PC's suck ass. I just had some stuff written, hit a button, and it all vanished.

I'm not back from NJ, yet. I was going to write "I'm not home yet", but couldn't bring myself to do it. No matter who I'm staying with, I'm at home. Just being in state I'm at home.

The driving is what hits you first. It's fast and crazy with people being impatient and cutting you off and then I cut off in return. I love it. It's exciting.

My parents had a BBQ inviting the cousins I grew up with. As our little ones ran around, I pictured them as us and us cousins as our parents. It was so strange, wonderful, and cute as hell.

My cousin Tommy had me in stitches as he told his brother-in-law and me about his recent trip to Disney World that he took with his wife and kids. He told us how he saw all of these men in red jackets and started getting very unnerved because he thought the were gang members...The Bloods. He couldn't believe Disney World let them in. And he was hoping no one in Blue would show up. He almost took off from the place because he was just so afraid that trouble would start up.

He was relieved however to discover that it was Rainbow Day at Disney World and the men in Red were in fact gay men who were wearing the jackets to signify that they were with the Rainbow group.

Tommy and his brother-in-law started acting like gay gang members. Ah...I guess you had to be there.

My parents, the kids and I took a trip to Pt. Pleasant to walk the Boardwalk. I'll continue another day with a story about why Jakey had a crazed, glazed look in his eyes as he screamed "MOMMY!! I WANT TO PLAY AGAIN!! I'M GOOD AT THIS!!!!" Is there such thing as "Gamblers Anonymous" for children?

4 days to go.....

Thursday, August 02, 2007

I'll See You's Guys In A Week...We're Off To The Jersey Side

Brendon, practicing his come hither look.

Jessica, not wanting to show her teeth because one is hanging by a thread and I always threaten to yank it.

Jacob, showing how this big junk mail sticker sticks to his face.

A Girl On A Mission

It's not even 9 in the morning and Jessica is hankering for some chocolate.

Jess: Mom, do you still have those chocolate bars and M&M's?
Me: I never had any of that stuff.
Jess: Can you make chocolate cookies?
Me: No, I don't have any chocolate.

Jess goes to the pantry and rummages around.

Jess: Is this chocolate?
Me: No, that's a box of flaxseed.

She rummages around some more.

Jess: Is this chocolate?
Me: No, it's a box of graham cracker crumbs.

Whatever brown box she could find, she brought to me, inquiring if it was chocolate and would give me a pained look everytime I said it wasn't chocolate.

Oh girl, mama feels your pain...TRUST me.