The Slacker In Me

There is a woman I've been made aware of through beginnertriathlete.com who has cancer. She overcame breast cancer only to have the cells return and find homes in her bones and lymph nodes and other parts of her body. She'll be undergoing chemotherapy. The doctor says it's treatable, but not curable. It seems she'll be battling cancer for the rest of her life. And she'll being doing so while staying on her training schedule. She has cancer and she's still training. She's going through her first course of chemo tomorrow and on Saturday plans to compete in a triathlon.

Our very own OC member, Anne, is training for the Ironman!! The mack daddy of all triathlons. She has diabetes and has to track her blood sugars and worry that she'll go low during a lonely trek down the road. She's pushing her body to the maximum while filling in as an organ for crying out loud!

I on the other hand am healthy. I don't have the burden of cancer, or diabetes, or any other condition or illness.

Yet I've settled for mediocrity throughout my training and let sore muscles and lack of motivation stop me from achieving progress.

I'm feeling shameful because I have the luxury of a healthy body and I'm not making full use of its abilities.

I can spout all I want about staying on course, towing the line, keeping my nose to the grindstone. My intentions would be to train to my fullest potential.

But I settle for mediocrity. I allow myself to perform to the least of my abilities.

I wonder why I do that? I'm still searching for the answer and I hope I find it so that I can correct that flaw in me.

I don't want to have a fight for my life...or health...facing me to keep my motivation high. I don't want to have to prove that I can overcome adversity to achieve my goal.

I just want to be able to train and enjoy the fact that I'm not limited by debilitating chemo or having to keep track of my blood sugar.

I want to enjoy the luxury of freedom.

My Little Powerhouse

Last night, after Jeff and the kids came home from Brendon's baseball game, the coach called.

He asked if we'd approve of Brendon being on the Little League Allstar Team. Each team has two players representing them for the game. The coach warned Jeff that this would a AA league game with real pitching, by a pitcher, with a hard ball. No pitching machine like they use in the A league teams that Brendon plays with.

So Jeff said yes.

Jeff wanted to hold off telling him last night because he knew he wouldn't be able to sleep.

I told Brendon this morning and he did a little Happy Dance....jumping, kicking, punching the air saying, "Yes...YES!!"

And then I broke the news about how the game would be played. Real pitching, with a real hardball.

I saw a twinge of worry come across his face and he asked if they'd be wearing padding...on legs, arms, chest. He said he sees baseball players wearing padding. I told him only the catcher wore padding.....he would not be.

He was excited nonetheless.

He loves baseball like no other kid I've ever seen. His coach comments on how focused he is and how well he pays attention.....while the other boys spin on their heels, pick dandelions, look up at the sky.

When we go to the park, he makes sure to have a bat, glove, and ball. He'll scour the playground gathering kids of all sizes, ages, playing abilities to play a game of baseball. His enthusiasm is contagious and the kids enthusiastically cheer each other on. The wheels of social interaction spin smoothly without a skip while they decide who plays what base, who is next up at bat, who gets to pitch.

He not only loves to play, he loves to watch it too. His routine upon waking each day is to turn to Sportscenter (or whatever the hell shows highlights of the previous night's Mets game) and watches to see who won the game, what plays were made and by whom. Then he searches the time slots to see what games are being played for that night.

At night, when a Mets game is being played, we let him stay up a little past his bedtime to watch an inning or two.

We took him to see the Fishercats pro baseball team play at the stadium in Manchester. Brendon stood at his seat and mimicked every move the pitcher made....from his stance, to that leg lifty thing they do after they release the ball.

He'll cheer and laugh and have a great time watching, playing, mimicking.

At the beginning of the season, the head of Little League said that he'd recommend Brendon advancing to the AA League if it weren't for the fact that there are no other 7 year olds on any of the teams and he didn't want Brendon feeling out of place among the older players. He told Jeff, "That kid can definitely play ball."

That kid can play it, love it, embrace it. Baseball is magic to Brendon.

Play Yard Education

Song playing on the radio: Right now he's probably slow dancing with a bleach blonde tramp, and she's probably getting frisky...right now, he's probably buying her some fruity little drink cause she can't shoot whiskey...

Jessica: I know who sings this song.
Me: Who sings it?
Jessica: Carrie Underwood. D told me. (pause)....Did I say something wrong?
Me: No, why?
Jessica: Why are you smiling?
Me: Because I think you're cute.
Jessica: Do you know what bathroom Polo means? (sidenote: term is mentioned in song)
Me: No, what does it mean?
Jessica: Someone who spends a lot of money. D told me that.

D seems to know a lot about a song that talks about wrecking a cheating boyfriend's car.

I'm going to have to have many talks with my little girl and make sure I keep the communication open so that she can come to me without feeling threatened that I'll get upset.

She's 5 going on 15.

We Chose the Path.....

I'm sore and tired and just want to curl up in a fetal position and nap the day away. But I know if I do that my muscles will tighten up into tiny fists all over my body. So keep moving I must.

Yesterday I left you all with my unchosen choices for where to take a family hike.

The first choice gave us this warning on the website: "Keep close tabs on children, as unforeseen hazards may exist or develop suddenly on mountain trails."

Jeff wasn't too keen on that point, so we went with the other hiking site which not only seemed safer, but was closer too. It seemed a win-win situation.

Now, when choosing a place to hike and pictures are provided on the website, pay CLOSE attention to those pictures.

See below:


This is the photo from the website for the park where we chose to hike. See how rocky the trail is? That's the TAME part of the 1 mile trail that took us straight up a mountain. It's a challenge for adults....imagine what a challenge it is for adults with small children.

I have to say the the kids did miraculously well considering what Jeff and I subjected them to.

Jacob had about enough of climbing up rocks and scraping knees and twisting ankles, so Jeff and I traded off piggy back rides.

Jeff said, "Jesus Christ, this is dangerous!"

I said, "No shit."

We had chosen the 1.1 mile trail as opposed to the other 1.8 mile trail.

On the way down, we chose the 1.8 mile trail figuring it must cut across the mountain and must be safer.

Not so much.

It was a little less treacherous, but for crying out loud there were huge tangles of tree roots along the entire length.

Aside from a worry about Brendon's blood sugars where we neglected to bring more with us than one juice on the trail (we figured it was a clear one mile trail...no big whoop), the hike was actually enjoyable.

At the top of the mountain, we had a 360 degree view of hills and valleys.

We were in God's Country.

Considering we came out of that hike without injury, God must've surely been watching over us.

The Chosen Path

It's 8 a.m. and I've narrowed today's day trip to two places: here
and here.

I read the last sentence in the first paragraph about the first state park and was quite intrigued and excited to see what could possibly be in store for us.

Jeff would rather go to the second state park to avoid the very reason why I wanted to go to the first.

Who's the responsible parent in this case? LOL.

Meme from Jenn

10 Years ago...

1.) How old were you: 26
2.) Where did you go to school: Not in school
4.) Where did you live: Newburgh, NY
5.) Where did you hang out: Bar, home, friend's homes, Long Island
6.) Did you wear glasses: no
7.) Who was your best friend: no one in particular
8.) Who was your regular-person crush: Jeff (Ha! didn't have to change this answer from Jenn's answer).
10.) How many piercings did you have: 2 in each ear.
11.) What car did you drive: Honda Civic
12.) Had you been to a real party: Yup
13.) Had your heart broken: No
14.) Single/Taken/Married/Divorced/Bitter: Married

Five years ago...

1.) How old were you: 31
2.) Where did you go to school: school of hard knocks
3.) Where did you work: stay at home mom
4.) Where did you live: Newburgh, NY
5.) Where did you hang out: at home
7.) Who was your best friend: no one in particular
8.) Who was your regular-person crush: Jeff
9.) How many tattoos did you have: 1
10.) How many piercings did you have: same as 10 years ago
11.) What car did you drive: Dodge Caravan
12.) Had you been to a real party: yes
13.) Had your heart broken: No
14.) Single/Taken/Married/Divorced/Bitter: Married

Present Day...

1.) How old are you: 36
2.) Where do you go to school: n/a
3.) Where do you work: stay at home
4.) Where do you live: New Hampshire
5.) Where do you hang out: Barnes & Noble, gym
6.) Do you wear glasses: no
7.) Who is your best friend: Theresa
8.) Who is your regular-person crush: Jeff
9.) How many tattoos did you have: One
10.) How many piercings do you have: same as 5 years ago
11.) What car do you drive: Dodge Caravan
12.) Had you been to a real party: no
13.) Had your heart broken: No
14.) Single/Taken/Married/Divorced/Bitter: Married

Quote of the Day

"Hey mom, I can read my own mind."

~Jessica (age 5)

Screw It

That diet I posted about....the one I made up....well, I haven't stuck with it since that post. Not a single day.

I never get a chance to go grocery shopping on a regular basis, so I run out of essential foods like fruits and vegetables.

Yesterday I stocked up on Smart Ones frozen meals by WW. It's quick, easy, and I don't have to think. Just nuke and eat.

I do fine with breakfast, and dinner isn't too bad. We've been ordering take out a lot less, so basically my new plan is to eat less. It's so much easier than planning out specific menus.

I swear I have undiagnosed ADD. I'm definitely not ADHD....no hyperactivity tendencies that's for sure.

As a result of my ADD, I'm embarking on a new workout routine. While I'm still doing tri stuff, I wanted to do something different to help me lose weight.

The Women's Health magazine website has a Ultimate Fitness Plan Challenge where they assign a different workout plan every two weeks.

To start, you take a fitness test to see what level of fitness you are. They give three levels: Aspiring, Strong, and Solid. You take the test every 4 weeks to see how you're progressing.

Once you determine which level you're capable of, you do the corresponding intensity for whatever the workout assigns.

The Challenge lasts for 24 weeks. We'll see if I actually commit and follow the program to completion.

The 40 Year Old

Today is Jeff's birthday. He turned 40 years old. People think he's younger because he looks sooo good ;) It's all that pumping iron he's doing.

Wow, I can't believe I'm married to a 40 year old. Does that mean we're actually grown ups now?

Happy Birthday to the man who I knew would stick it out for 16 years come hell or high water.

Happy Birthday to the man who supplied 50% of the materials needed to make our beautiful babies.

Happy Birthday to the man who still sees me as that 20 year old girl who he spotted the night we met.

Happy Birthday to the man who I love more now than ever.

Happy Birthday Babe :)



*Side note: This picture was taken on Mother's Day. He dressed the kids...and himself...and I LMAO everytime I see it because not only are they color coordinated with each other, they coordinate with the napkins too :D He didn't even plan it that way!! In fact, he didn't realized they all matched until I pointed it out.

Kids 1 -- Mommy 0

My walls have murals drawn by budding artists. Each and every surface of my house....tables, couches, cabinets, there's more but it's too much to list....bear the mark of a future Picasso, Georgia O'Keefe, Jackson Pollock.

Well, I got fed up and hid all of the pens, markers, crayons, paints, etc. in the hopes of preventing my house from becoming an artist colony.

We did however need one pen to record Brendon's diabetes numbers and info on his logsheets which are kept on a clipboard in the kitchen. I decided to tie the pen nice and tight to the clipboard to prevent them from carrying the pen into any old room to draw any old thing. And it had worked for a while. They couldn't manage to get the knots undone to detach the pen.

But the kids caught on.

They carried the clipboard into the dining room so that they could use the pen graffiti all over a book that was laying on the table.

Bite me.

Perfect Peaceful

I approach him as he lay sleeping. I wonder if he's dreaming. His face is so peaceful, perhaps not.

I observe his long, thick, ebony eyelashes. I observe the way freckles sprinkle across his small button nose placed just so on his face. The freckles remind me of the stars and constellations we point out to each other on a clear, crisp winter's night. Look how perfectly pink his lips are, like the smooth interior of a seashell. I know behind those slumbering lids lay denim hued baby blues.

I lift his hand, and without a flinch, his skin allows the sharp lance to pierce it. A perfectly round, red drop of blood forms and waits to be caught by what will tell me if his body is betraying him.

41.

I lift the juice box to those bow shaped seashell lips.

"Drink, Brendon."

His eyes flutter open. The whites are bloodshot. But those bright baby blues are unblemished....so perfect. His arm bends at the elbow, his hand is raised, fingers splayed. I remember how he used to raise his hand that same way when he was a baby and something startled him while he slept. It was as though he were warding off what was threatening his peaceful sleep. My mind shakes loose the memory and returns to my perfect, big boy sipping his juice.

"One more sip and then you're done."

He finishes, I kiss his cool forehead, and watch his face return to perfect, peaceful sleep.

Everyone Deserves To Love and Be Loved

Last night, after a wonderful Mother's Day, Jeff told me he had a story to tell me about something Jessica said. We often share stories about the things she says because she comes out with the most clever, funniest stuff.

When he saw my face light up in anticipation of hearing it, he warned me that it was not a good story.

He told me that the other night he and the kids were finishing dinner at the kitchen table and he doesn't recall the originating part of the conversation, but Jessica told Brendon he couldn't get married because he has diabetes.

Brendon got upset and started crying. Jeff explained to her that it was a mean thing to say. He explained to her that even though he has diabetes, he can still do all the things that she can do (just short of giving birth).

Jeff then reassured Brendon that someday he'll find someone who he'll love and who will love him and that they can get married and have babies.

Jessica started crying when she saw how upset she made Brendon and apologized for making him cry.

Keep in mind that these children are 7 and 5 years old. Even the youngest children want to have the hope of having a loving relationship to share with someone when they're older.

This morning, when I asked Jessica why she thought Brendon couldn't get married, she said she heard me say it when I was on the phone with daddy.

What she overheard was a conversation I had with Jeff about an OC blog post I read where I was relating to him what was written. There was a certain statement made about diabetics that stung me even though I'm not diabetic. It stung me as a mother because of the thought that someone believes no one should want to share a life with someone who has diabetes. The thought that Brendon should be purposely deprived of love because of a flaw in his body broke my heart.

But, this isn't a post about the post I read, or what someone else believes.

This is a post about people who have diabetes, and how this insidious disease may affect their personality momentarily during a treatable high or low, but it never affects their soul and their basic human need and right to love and be loved.

A person can have food, water, and shelter, but if they don't have love, they will waste away to nothing but a living, breathing shell.

Afterall, love is what makes the world go 'round.

Something's Gotta Give

I'm still training for the triathlon. But my eating habits suck. It's not so much the quantity of food I eat, it's the kind of food I eat. Therefore, while I have about 20 pounds to lose, I'm basically hovering between 148 and 144.

It's important that I get my weight down because of the toll it's taking on my legs during my run sessions as well as the added weight I have to lug up hills during my bike rides. The trick is to do it by not cutting a large amount of calories since I
need energy for my workouts. I can however clean up my diet and rely on that as my means to an end.

Fast food is a big culprit and although there are healthier options on their menus other than golden, salty, crispy on the outside french fries, I just don't have the
strength to go for the salads or grilled chicken sandwiches. Takeout food is no better. As with fast food, I don't have the mentalwherewithall to order something healthy with all of the temptations so easily available.

So, as of today, Thursday May 10, 2007, I plan to swear off all fast food and take out food delectibles. Since I choose not to make healthier choices when faced with their options, I must take the options completely away instead. I chose today because it was the first day I ate healthy food like fruits, vegetables, oatmeal, and chicken without hitting the drivethru at all as I have been for weeks.

Here are my rules:

Each meal must have:

*one serving of grain or starch (such as, but not limited to oatmeal for breakfast and potato for dinner)

*one serving of fruit during breakfast, and one or more servings of vegetables for lunch and supper.

*no more than 2 normal sized portions (1 portion=4 oz.) of lean protein such as poultry and fish, but only one serving of lean red meat. Egg whites are an option as well.

*I can eat/drink Lean Cuisines or
meal replacement drinks if there are moments when I have no more than 10 minutes to fix a meal and eat it....those moments are inevitable. I do have to keep up with my energy requirements for my training sessions, so this option must be used for emergencies only, not for when I'm feeling lazy....which is often.

*Snacks can only be fruit or vegetables.

*Eat food as close to their natural state as possible. Rely minimally on
prepackaged or processed food as much as possible (such as pasta, bread).

The beauty of these rules is that I don't have to count calories. The right amount of calories will fall naturally into place if I stick with the rules.

Also, all of the basic food groups are included, so I don't have to worry about neglecting to eat something my body needs.

I had made up these rules back when I had to lose 60 pounds after giving birth to Brendon (I lost it in 8 months). I continued to eat this way during my pregnancy with Jessica and after her birth as well, resulting in another 60 pound loss in about 5 months. *Side note: In case you're wondering why I put on 60 pounds during my pregnancy with Jessica even though I ate healthfully, my body just did that no matter what or how much or how little I ate.

I didn't, however, stick to this plan during and after I had Jacob, and 4 years later, I'm still struggling to lose the weight I put on during my pregnancy with
him.

This is how I'm going to eat until June 23 (date of the triathlon) without deviating from the rules. By then I'm hoping this will be a habit that will become second nature. I have to be really strict with myself because when you give me an inch, I'll take a mile.

After June 23, I'll allow myself those moments of having a handful of jellybeans to cure my sweet tooth, or some cake during a celebration, or a dinner out to a restaurant.

I'll post my starting weight tomorrow morning when I weigh the least during the day. And for the record, I'm still going to participate in the OC Challenge now that I'm setting myself up to actually lose weight.

*Edit* My weight this morning (Friday) is 144.2

For Your Listening Pleasure

My blog was feeling a little neglected, so I thought it needed a good dose of Rick.

I love how bad-ass he is when he breaks the mirror on the medicine cabinet.

Happy Birthday Jacob!

My little baby boy is 4 years old today. Wow. I can't believe it's been this long. He shares 4 year milestones with other events, but today I'll make sure is all his own.

Jacob was never really a baby. From the day he was born, he was trying to scoot away to either chase after his big brother and sister, or away from them.

He never liked to sit comfy and cozy in his bouncy seat the way his siblings did. He was always trying to squirm and twist his way out!

The boy certainly kept me on my toes for sure.

He has distinct interests and a personality that I can totally see being carried through into adulthood. He's a punk, he's mischievous, he's curious to a fault, he's cuddly, and lovable, and cute as hell. He loves to rest his head on my shoulder and pat my back with his tiny hand when I carry him up to bed. He gets insulted when his big brother and sister won't let him play with them and their friends. He's clever and brilliant....a scary combination when you think of the first two descriptions.

He loves to cook and knows how to make his own breakfast and lunch. He says he wants to be a diver when he grows up so that he can swim with the sharks.

He's my little baby boy who's growing up......