Hello hello hello!! Anybody out there?
I'm such a dipwad, nerd, dork, geek....for getting my vacation dates wrong. But to start, let me just say that (as I said in my last last post) I'm back a week earlier than I indicated because I was looking at the wrong dates on the calendar...and I blame Jeff for the way he marked the dates! But I digress....
I'm just going to run through the highlights of the wedding in Florida. Thanksgiving was great....good food, good family, good times all around, Brendon did well with his numbers....so onward with the Florida fiasco/gossip inducing/disappointment of a trip. (And a picture of me in my little black dress....it fit!)
We drove down to Jersey the night before our flight was to leave for Florida and on the way down, we stopped at a rest stop in Mass. which wasn't in and of itself an issue...or so it seemed. (The kids stayed with my mom in Jersey once we got there).
The next morning, Jeff called a car service to drive us to the airport for 10 a.m. so that we could make a 12 p.m. flight. We were running around getting things repacked for the trip when Jeff wanted to run out for some coffee and bagels.
"Where's my wallet?"
"I don't know. Isn't it in the van?"
We looked everywhere and it finally occured to him that he left it at the reststop in Massachusetts.
GREAT! We're leaving for a flight and he has no ID. Not only that, but he had to cancel his credit card which is attached to mine which was therefore canceled as well. I had an extra credit card solely in my name, but I left it at home because I never use it.
No ID + no credit cards=no trip=my little black dress is liver.
Luckily I had my debit card which could be used to rent the car we needed in FL as well as pay for anything else we needed without being loaded with a wad of cash.
But would Newark International Airport let a man without photo ID on an airplane? Hmm....
We took a chance and went to the airport anyway hoping that with some grace of divine intervention, security would let Jeff on the flight.
Step, by step, inch by inch we entered the airport, approached check in, got our tickets and explained to the clerk that Jeff's wallet was lost and that he didn't have photo ID, but would registration and insurance cards with his name on it suffice?
"Well, I don't think so. Security is pretty tight. Good luck."
We went upstairs and approached the guy who was checking ID.
"This will not do. You need someone from Continental to sign you in. Go downstairs and get someone."
Jeff ran down, got an employee of the airline and she was happy to sign in Jeff in lieu of proper ID. Being white, and married with a wife in tow has its advantages I suppose.
We were let on the flight!! Hallelujah!!SCENE 2
The moment we stepped off of the plane and into the terminal, the first people we see are old people with oxygen tanks sitting in wheel chairs and lots of very tanned people. Yeah, we're in Florida....let the good times roll, baby!
(Setting: There are 9 of us out to dinner and everyone is over 60 (with the exception of Jeff, me and his cousin) and the conversation at the restaurant consists of:
1. Cheating and being stupid enough to get caught.
2. The computer is good for two things...porn, and downloading pictures of grandchildren.
3. Whose house my mother-in-law's friend (who was in attendance) would spending the night at (for some sex) as she has numerous men that she spends time with now that she got rid of her cheating husband and is a free woman.
4. A question posed to L (a different person at the table entirely) about whether it was true that 50 years ago she caught her husband in bed with another man and was that the reason for their divorce so long ago.
5. Does anybody have an extra inhaler they can borrow.
Jeff, myself, and his cousin were not icluded in any part of the conversation, by the way.SCENE 4:
The bride's parents held a party at their house the day before the wedding at their "house" in Boca Raton. Jeff and I see another of his cousins as she's greeting another couple walking up the driveway. Before we arrived, Jeff and I were discussing her "condition" and wondering how she was doing. I walk up to her, kiss her on the cheek, and say
"It's great to see you, S!! It's been so long!!"
Hmm, her reply along with a makeup job that made Tammy Faye Baker look au natural and her curly/knotty/limp hair gave me the impression that her "condition" wasn't so good.
Jeff and I ventured into the courtyard where the party was held and said hello to people we knew, explained who we were to people we knew knew us, and while he headed for the bar, I headed for the buffet.
The bride's father took a bunch of us to see the other house they were building. It was like being on MTV Cribs. The house is about 15,000 square feet with lots of marble and granite and mahogany and fireplaces. That's right, fireplaces.
ARE YOU STILL WITH ME, PEOPLE?? SORRY FOR THE LENGTH!!SCENE 5:(The day of the wedding)
I rest for the day while Jeff drives to Miami to pick up his brother, our sister-in-law and their two kids from a cruise they were disembarking. I pamper myself, shave, paint, etc etc and Aunt Flo comes for a goddamned visit...EARLY! After she came during my anniversary weekend at Martha's Vineyard, I came armed for such a visit....so no issues this time!
When the time came, I did my hair, got dressed and went to my mother-in-law's room until the 8 other people we were driving with were ready.
Jeff's 60+ year old aunt pulls me into her hotel room and tells me to take a whiff.
"Yeah, I smell it. The Fabreeze isn't helping. Sorry", I reply.
Jeff's 60+ year old uncle had been hitting the ganja and the smell permeated the room.Fast forward to the The Breakers.....
We drive into West Palm Beach and pull into The Breakers
parking lot. I feel good, we all look great and we're excited!!
We get through the ceremony (it's Jewish and very short) and then lead the crowd to the cocktail hour. It was held outside in a courtyard (Floridians like their courtyards).
The cocktail hour consisted of a:
Chinese food station
Roast beef and lamb chop station
Two bar stations
I hit all of them except for one.....I'm already in my dress, so why not go for broke.
After freezing outside....yes, it was cold in Florida that night.....we were directed to go into the reception room. There were tons of tables, people, and a 10 piece band with 5 singers!!
I got Jeff to "dance" to a fast song...the first time I've ever seen him dance in the 15 years I've known him!! We talked to relatives....I danced with my niece and nephew....we ate the first 2 parts of a 5 course meal and then I started feeling sick.....
It doubled me over and I couldn't make it another moment at the wedding.
So much for feeling glamorous, dancing and eating great food.
Jeff and I left around 9:30 (about an 1 1/2 hours into the wedding). Here's what we missed:
1. Sweet African Lobster Tail and Filet Mignon you could cut with a fork.
2. A chocolate fountain.
3. Big fat chocolate cupcakes with mounds of frosting and chunks of chocolate sticking out the top.
4. The band jumping off the stage and singing and playing amongst the dancing guests.
5. A party that went on until 1 a.m. when it was supposed to end at 11 p.m.
You win some, you lose some I guess.