Mom Wants A Diabetes Cure

Tuesday, September 18, 2007

The Fall Guy

I wrote about this a couple of weeks ago, but took the post down. I felt bad for the guy I wrote about and thought people would think I was a terrible person for what I let happen. But I'm feeling brave today, so here's the story:

First a little background:

I have a "thing" about pinching a loaf in public restrooms or even in other people's houses. I just can't do it. No matter how bad I have to go. I have a colon like a steel trap when it comes to holding it in for as long as it takes me to get home and do it in private. I want to just kick back, relax, and not worry if someone will walk in and hear me, or smell what's cooking. On a side note, I have a rule that if I'm staying at someone's house overnight or longer, then I will do the doo.

But there was a time when I couldn't hold it any longer and by my calculations, estimating from the time it kicked in to the time I would be home by, those were too many hours for my steel trap to stay shut.

It was back in the day when I was a working gal. I was one of a few women who worked as graphic designers on the night crew.

I had gotten the urge to go and knew it was too long before I would be able to do it at home. The men's and women's bathrooms were located at the front of the building. They were each single toilet bathrooms, so at least I could get some privacy without anyone walking in. Plus it was in a remote part of the building. The only risk would be someone coming in right after me. But what were the chances of that happening? So, I took a gamble and figured I could Navy Seal it in and out of the bathroom without anyone noticing.

I made my way to the front of the building without being noticed and did my thing.

Afterward, I came out of the bathroom, closed the door behind me, and saw two male coworkers having a discussion in the lounge right outside of the bathroom!

They didn't see me coming out, so I tiptoed out before they could notice me and made my way safely back to my computer.

Just as I sat down, my female coworker, Lois, got up and went on her way to the bathroom.

Now, she is just as phobic about going #2 as I am. Plus she's a clean freak. So I was hoping the air would clear before she got there.

I got to working on a project when holy hell broke loose.

We could all hear yelling from Lois, but we couldn't make out what she was all up in arms about, so we all got up to see what the matter was.

Lois: Who shit in the women's bathroom????

Derek Jeter (I can't remember his name, but he had an uncanny resemblance to him): I don't know. We were just here talking. I don't keep track of who goes in and out of the bathrooms.

Lois: YOU took a shit in the women's bathroom didn't you!!

Derek: NO!! I didn't shit in there! Why would I shit in the women's bathroom?

Lois: So you wouldn't smell up the men's room! You're so fucking inconsiderate!!

Derek: FUCK YOU!! I didn't shit in there!!

Lois: So help me God you are disgusting. You would do something like that. I don't believe for a minute that you weren't the one.

The argument soon let up. Yet, the entire time it went on I stood there letting it happen. Not once did I speak up and save him from her tirade.

Derek Jeter looked so perplexed and shocked and quite annoyed that he would be accused of something so vile and heinous as not only using the women's bathroom, but using it to save his fellow man from a stink bomb.

But, Derek Jeter was despised by all of us. He was a know-it-all and a braggard. He always rubbed us the wrong way.

So at the time I thought, "my God. What luck I have that Derek Jeter would be in the right place at the right time to take the fall for what I did."

What a relief (in more ways than that) it was for me to have not been found out.


  • Yay!!! Poop post is back. I don't like pooping in certain places either. And I love that you got away with this. I NEVER could... I know I'd have gotten 'pinched.' LOL!!!

    By Blogger Nicole P, at 9/18/2007 5:10 PM  

  • LOL @ pinched.

    Yeah, I wouldn't have 'come clean' anyway if I had actually been accused.

    By Blogger Shannon, at 9/18/2007 5:16 PM  

  • Holy crap (heh heh) am I laughing my ass off over here!!!! LOL LOL LOL LOL.

    EXCELLENT post ... everyone loves a good turd story once in awhile.

    For the record - I think most women hate to drop anchor in public - or at a friends house, or anywhere that isn't home. I felt mortified for you .... LOL - but that is so cool you got away with it!

    When I get brave enough, I'll have to post about my "blow out" story .... kids are involved and it ain't pretty ....

    By Blogger Jamie, at 9/18/2007 10:42 PM  

  • You can say he went to bat for you!

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 9/19/2007 8:28 AM  

  • Jamie,
    I got off 'Scott' free. And please post your blowout story soon. I love potty humor.

    He definitely took one for the team.

    By Blogger Shannon, at 9/19/2007 8:43 AM  

  • OMG Shannon!! That is too funny. I cant go #2 in public either (hell I cant even type it out properly on here) George is always giving me 'shit' so to speak when he picks me up from work and I am aching to get home in a hurry because I held it ALL day. He tells me its not healthy.. he's right but I might die of embarressment if anyone I work with caught me in the act!

    Funny stuff!

    By Blogger Jenn, at 9/19/2007 9:01 AM  

  • Jenn,

    I TOTALLY do the same thing. Whether holding it is unhealthy, it's just something that's got to be done in the privacy of one's own home. LMAO.

    By Blogger Shannon, at 9/19/2007 9:09 AM  

  • That totally made my day! Did you leave a floater or was it that the aroma will not soon be bottled and sold at department stores?

    By Blogger Wingman, at 9/19/2007 12:20 PM  

  • Wingman,
    LMAO. It was the aroma therapy, LOL.

    By Blogger Shannon, at 9/19/2007 12:27 PM  

  • ...We have two bathrooms Shannon in our house. I will know what one you use!

    By Anonymous tongue in cheek, at 9/20/2007 1:11 PM  

  • That's just fabulous, Corey. Thanks for giving me a complex now, LOL.

    By Blogger Shannon, at 9/20/2007 11:48 PM  

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