Foolishness?????

For months now, I've been crawling out of my skin. I've been taking stock of my life...looking back to see how I came to be where I am today, and although I'm doing exactly what I've always planned to do (staying at home with my kids), I do have regrets.

One of them is not traveling. I want to do the by myself, on my own, without a clue as to what the hell I'm doing kind of traveling. Not the tour traveling with people who want to see museums, eat at cafés, or shop in street markets.

I'm talking about the kind of traveling where you close your eyes, point your finger, and pick a spot on a map and then go there and see how people really live...meeting them (hoping you don't get raped or murdered when they invite you into their homes for a meal and conversation) and seeing if their lives are just as confusing, and regretful, and complicated as my own. I want to experience the human condition of others.

Recently, I was invited by a good friend of mine to visit her in France where she lives with her French husband, and where they've created a family of two beautiful children who speak French. My friend is from America and she's described how, when they all speak together, it's a whirlwind of French and English. I want to experience that crazy, confusing kind of conversation.

I want to live outside of my comfort zone...to feel tense, nervous, unsafe...I want to feel some emotion for once.

I'm taking her up on her offer!

I mentioned it to Jeff. I asked if he wanted to come along...we could bring the kids. He sniffed, wrinkled his nose, shrugged his shoulders, and reminded me that he doesn't like to travel, he doesn't speak the language, he's not interested. I told him that I'd like to go by myself then. He shrugged those shoulders again and said, "I don't know". I don't know what "I don't know" means, but I'm not taking it as a no.

I've planned my life carefully to avoid struggle, pain, and regrets. I went to college, graduated in 4 years, became engaged to the man with whom I carefully nourished a relationship to make sure that he was the one forever, we got married after carefully planning our wedding, we bought a house after saving every penny we earned, we fixed up the house before we had kids, we had kids. Now I regret not really living life.

A life too carefully planned is really no life at all.

Is it foolish of me to think that I can just pick up for a week or two, visit someone halfway across the world and live the life I want to live for such a short time? Is it foolish of me to live a life of someone who doesn't have the responsibilities that come with being a wife and mother of three young...very young...children?

Maybe so, but I'm going to France. August of 2007.