May The Good Lord Save My Soul...True Love Triumphs Over Sphincter Failure

I think the hardest thing to do is to click on 'publish post'.

When I was in college, I'd drive a few hours from South Jersey to Upstate New York on the weekends to visit Jeff. I'd only bring enough clothes to get me through a couple of days.

The Sunday I was to leave to return to school, we ordered Chinese takeout. After we ate, I was laying in bed reading a book and my stomach felt funky. Like it was empty and a little sore.

It was time for me to drive back to school, and about 20 minutes into my ride, I felt like I was going to throw up. I knew I'd never make it back to school, so I turned around and drove back to Jeff's house.

I finally got there, ran through the door, up the stairs and made it to the gracious porcelain god just in time to feed him some dim sum and chicken lo mein.

I wasn't going back to school afterall. And that moment was just the start of my nightmare.

I felt awful at that point and crawled into bed. Jeff asked if there was anything he could do, and I said there was nothing, to just let me sleep it off.

The food poisoning just kept getting worse. I threw up a couple of more times. Later, I was burning the candle at both ends, so to speak. There was enough food that traversed through my intestinal track to give me a good dose of the trots.

To make a cruel sickness even more evil, as I'd throw up, it would come out the other end too....at the same goddamned time!

I started dipping into Jeff's underwear drawer because I went through my own skivvies. I didn't think he'd mind.

I was in a world of hurt.

Well, I finally fell asleep for the night after my ordeal, but something woke me up. It was another wave of nausea.

There was something else that woke me up too. It was the feeling of wetness in the underwear I was wearing. My sphincter failed me miserably and let the digested Chinese dinner escape while I slept. Those sneaky bastards.

Here I am, a grown, sophisticated, college educated woman shitting her pants. Nice!

I was humiliated and was convinced that Jeff would be thoroughly disgusted with me and never want to lay eyes, or anything else on me again!

He just left me to my own devices and probably curled up into a safe place in his mind to protect himself from my intestinal assault.

Thank sweet adorable baby Jesus that he bought a shitload of underwear because I must've gone through 5 pairs.

I was sick for a couple of more days, able to keep down fluids, and finally returned to school by Wednesday.

Lo and behold, Jeff called me and asked if I made it home OK. And then I visited him the next weekend. We ordered pizza this time.