Yesterday...All My Troubles Seem Like They're Piled On Top Of Me

Diabetes is ripping me up this morning. More like gouging...shredding me. And those aren't apt descriptions in the least.

I have a support group meeting today that I will be hosting. We typically take turns. Yesterday, I received two emails. One member sent me an email saying that her husband's co-worker has a seven year old son who was just diagnosed last month and is interested in attending.

And then the man who started the group, Steve, sent me an email asking me to contact a family whose seven year old daughter was just diagnosed and to send information about the meeting.

Do you know what the first thought that went through my mind was when they told me about this boy and girl? Great! Now Brendon has a couple of kids his age who may attend the meeting. Not: How devastating for those families. I'm ashamed of myself for not having thought that first.

I popped off a couple of upbeat emails to the families like I was informing them of a fucking Tupperware party. I offered them my number so that they could call me if they wanted to talk further about what they were going through, but that was about it. I don't know why my emails weren't more heartfelt and sympathetic. I was robotic and matter of fact in my tone. What's happened to me?

Yesterday, a package was delivered with some pump paks Jeff ordered for Brendon. Jacob wanted one too, but we told him that they were for Brendon's diabetes. He said, "when I have diabetes when I'm older, I get one too?" Jeff told him he won't have diabetes when he's older. Jacob wanted to be like his brother and was feeling left out, so Jeff gave him an extra belt that he could wear. And proudly he wore it. Why doesn't someone rip heart out and do the flamenco dance on it because it couldn't be worse than how I felt at that moment watching Jakey walk around with it on like it was a badge of honor.

Jamie posted about Dani asking if she'd still have diabetes when she was older. What made it all the more heartbreaking was that she is too young to understand the gravity of having it, yet something in her little instincts tells her that diabetes is unnatural and that her body must be shed of it.

Brendon's numbers are in the upper 200-400's again. I can't even tell you how much we've raised his rates. But I think he's having a major summertime growth spurt like when you see a pipsqueak at the end of the school year and by the time summer ends and school starts, people are shocked at how head and shoulders big he's gotten. I've written about this growth spurt pretty recently, but let me tell you he's enormous now. His best friend was here playing yesterday. They're a month apart in age. They used to be the same height. I noticed that Brendon is now nearly a head taller than his friend. Insulin seems to have no effect on his numbers right now and I HATE when we can't subdue diabetes.

My heart is heavy and is having a hard time finding it's way out. I'm trying to find a way to soldier on just as all the DOC kids do.

Sometimes playing some sad music helps, so I'll be listening to this all day long: