Mom Wants A Diabetes Cure

Thursday, April 24, 2008

The Birds And The Bees From Soup To Nuts

Well, he asked for it. He wanted me to tell him where babies come from and before I could answer, Jessica said they come from mommy's stomach. I've told the kids the Cliff's Notes version of baby making before, but he's getting older now and "magic" just doesn't cut it anymore.

"Yeah I know, but how do they get there?", he asked.

"The sperm meets the egg and says a fine how do you do and then POOF! a baby is made." (I improvised this line a bit).

"No, start from the waaay beginning and take it to the end", he insisted.

Ohhh...whew...well, uh. Hmm, how can I tastefully get into the bow-chicka-bow-wow without getting too graphic?

OK...here goes:

"The daddy puts his penis in the mommy's vagina...."

"Ahhhh!!!!", he screams as he ducks for cover on the couch and assumes the fetal position with arms and hands covering his head as though I just unloaded a hand grenade on him.

"And the daddy's sperm comes out and finds the mommy's egg in her belly and then they meet together and break up into a whole bunch of cells and they keep dividing until the baby is formed."

He came up for air when I started mentioning the cell division part and relaxed a lot more.

"Where does the baby come out?"

"Well, the baby comes out of the vagina, but for some women, like mommy, the doctor cuts open the stomach and pulls the baby out from there."

A bit like Alien...

"How big is a vagina?"

I close my fist and say..."A vagina is closed like this, but as the baby comes out, it opens up like this", as I spread my hands wide, "and the baby slides out."

"How does it open that wide?"

"Well, it's able to stretch open..."

He cuts me off and says, "That's weird." And resumes watching Cory In The House.

16 Comments:

  • Ha ha ha - You must save this post for his future wife. Too funny.

    By Blogger C.L.W., at 4/25/2008 12:24 AM  

  • :-))

    By Blogger Bernard, at 4/25/2008 7:03 AM  

  • Ha! So funny! He's right. It is weird. As a kid, I remember being told that daddy's snake enters mommy's jungle. Barf!

    By Blogger Carey, at 4/25/2008 7:33 AM  

  • I can just picture him screaming & curling up on the couch like that! Wow! :)

    By Blogger Donna, at 4/25/2008 7:33 AM  

  • rofl!!! Oh that's hysterical. When my daughter asked how babies get out (she was almost 7 when I was pg with ian) and I told her, her only response was, very blank faced, "that must hurt. a lot"

    By Blogger Michelle, at 4/25/2008 7:47 AM  

  • Oh man, that's hilarious (I too, have scenes of him running for the couch, covering his head). But hey - he asked for it! LOL.

    By Blogger Jamie, at 4/25/2008 9:26 AM  

  • I agree with him. It is wierd.

    By Blogger Penny, at 4/25/2008 9:30 AM  

  • I just read Carey's comment and I'm laughing so hard.

    Why must our parents insist on warping us?

    By Blogger Penny, at 4/25/2008 9:31 AM  

  • Oh my God, Shannon - this made me actually laugh out loud. I can't remember having this discussion with my parents ... I think I properly blocked it out.

    ;)

    By Blogger Kerri., at 4/25/2008 9:34 AM  

  • This story is precisely why I love having an older sister! There were zero conversations like this with my parents when I was little. I would have to agree that it is very weird.

    By Blogger Jillian, at 4/25/2008 10:07 AM  

  • LOL. I like how it went from "AHHHH" to "That's weird."

    By Blogger Albert, at 4/25/2008 10:16 AM  

  • We used the help of a kid's book to explain it to Noah- so there was this diagram of the *ahem* "fine how do you do".
    Noah kept turning the book upside down, to the side, (like Barney Fife trying to read a roadmap) trying to make heads or tails of it all.

    ugh, why can't they stay age 4??

    By Blogger Lea, at 4/25/2008 11:03 AM  

  • LMAO!

    I have never thought about this before, but it IS WEIRD! LOL

    Just kidding. LOL

    OMFG Carey's comment has me DYING RIGHT NOW!!! My Dad used to say that men had a snake and girls had a skunk! OMG!!!!LOL

    By Blogger George, at 4/25/2008 11:58 AM  

  • HOly crap that is funny. I told Jarret that version a while back I thought George was going to have a heart attack and I thougt I would melt because i was so red in the face.. I got through it and that topic has never been touched again!! Oh and btw.. Corey In The HOuse.. too funny!!!

    By Blogger Jenn, at 4/25/2008 1:54 PM  

  • When Nora was in Les Miserables, I got the question, "Mom, what's a prostitute?" And that led to the whole discussion. When we talked about the penis/vagina thing, she said, "EWwWWW! Why would anyone want to DO that???!!!"

    ha ha, why indeed? That's a story for another time!

    By Blogger Naomi, at 4/25/2008 7:13 PM  

  • sex talks with parents, OMG.
    no matter what age, it's always a weird!
    ;)
    k2

    By Blogger k2, at 4/28/2008 12:00 PM  

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