Where's Saddam's Hole When You Need It?

Remember that hole in the ground where U.S. troops found Saddam hiding? I could use a place like that right about now.

It all started yesterday when I picked up Jess and Jake from preschool and stopped to get gas.

Jake (his head peaking from driver's side door): Mommay, I have to go peepee!
Me: Jake, you'll have to wait till we get home.
Jake: Mom-MAY, I have to go pee-PEE!
Me: Jake, get back in your seat.

I stop pumping the gas and go to get him back in the seat when I discover that it's too late...he went peepee and it flowed down his leg and pooled on my seat.

Flash forward to today when I put on my brand new J. Crew City Pants and sat on my driver's side seat to drive the kids on errands. Once I got home, my bottom felt a little wet and I realized why....I had forgotten all about the peepee that still hadn't dried.

Great, so now I was going to smell like urine for an awards ceremony I was going to tonight for nurse's and caretakers of kids with disabilities. I nominated Brendon's school nurse and she won an award (everyone who was nominated won, which was really nice) and I wanted to bring the kids. Jeff is currently in Georgia, so I was going to be solo with all three kids.

NOTE: In between these moments, Jess and Jake are acting like Gremlins...from the movie Gremlins...like in that scene where they screwing up houses and causing extreme turmoil and destruction...and I'm going nuts trying to stop them.

Sometime between the moment I realized my J. Crew City Pants were wet with urine and the moment I was doing something else at some point, I hear Jacob calling for help in the playroom. Now, before Jacob called for help, I notice our dog licking at something on the carpet in the playroom and discover she's chowing down on her own puke. It's basically chicken scraps from lord knows where because there was no chicken in the garbage.

Return to Jacob calling for help. I run into the playroom to see what the matter was. He dipped his knee in more chicken slop from the dog's stomach and it looks like the dog ate an entire chicken carcass and puked it back up into carcass formation. What a fucking mess.

Brendon, in the meantime, had a doctor's appointment that I had to get him to, so I strip Jake, get him dressed, clean up the puke and get Jess and Jake ready to pick up Brendon from school to get to his appointment.

To make this next part of the story short, we come home, I make dinner, and we immediately leave the moment the last forkful of food hits their mouths.

I get to the ceremony and sit with some people I know from the diabetes support group I go to. Steve, the guy who started the support group, had his kids there coloring away nicely while my kids were scouring the refreshment table for diet drinks.

Brendon kept bugging me about getting him a diet soda from the vending machine because none were to be found on the tables and would NOT give up even after telling him that I had no money with me. I had an open bottle of Pepsi in my hand that I'd taken from the refreshment table...it was opened...and as I made a gesture to the people sitting at my table in a fist like fashion that indicated that I wanted to knock Brendon's block off, my fist hit the Pepsi and splashed me, Brendon, and Jessica. So, needless to say my urine smelling J. Crew City Pants were now sprinkled with huge spots of Pepsi.

If you're asking why I was still wearing the pants, well they didn't smell THAT bad, so I wore them anyway.

My hand was wet from the Pepsi and I wiped it on my pants. I look down and there's pink stuff smeared all over them.

WTF!? I look at my hand and see pink ink smeared all over my hand. I couldn't figure out where it came from until Steve's son said that he colored my Pepsi bottle with red marker....permanent red marker.

Mother fuck fuck mother fuck cluster fuckster.

I laughed it off, but I was so disappointed that my J. Crew City Pants were ruined. A kind woman sitting with me gave me one of those stain pens and no, it didn't work.

In the meantime, the kids are running around the H.S. cafeteria where the ceremony was held and I'm trying to gather them and get them to shut the hell up.

In the end, I left early with the other support group people I knew and now I'm sipping Bailey's Irish Cream which is why this post is so disjointed, doesn't make sense and I don't care....I just want to go hide in that hole :(