Mom Wants A Diabetes Cure

Saturday, April 29, 2006

How My Ass Made A Difficult Situation Worse

My ass has been a part of me all of my life. We've had good times (like when I wear a pair of well cut jeans that showcases it perfectly) and bad times (like when I got stuck in an elevator at work).

I was reminded of this elevator ordeal when Jeff and I were in the hospital with Brendon. We were in the Pre-Op Department with about 20 other parents and their children. Half of us traveled together to the area where the kids had to dress and prep for surgery. On the way, our half of the group got on an elevator, and the nurse pressed the floor button. We stood there waiting for the elevator to rise, but nothing happened. She opened the doors again and a nurse waiting to get on said that she had to squeeze the doors shut for the elevator to move as the doors didn't completely close on their own. I heard a father behind me say "That is not a good sign." I turned and told him about the time I got stuck in an elevator when I was 5 months pregnant and proceeded to tell him the story (the condensed version of course....it was a short ride).

It was 1999 and I was 5 months pregnant with Brendon. The company I worked for had relocated from Poughkeepsie, NY to Newark, NJ. The company took up shop in the National Newark Building that had just been refurbished. We were on the 32nd floor with floor to ceiling windows. I had a view of the New York City skyline from my desk. It was a beautiful building with granite floors, carved moldings, but questionable elevators.

I was on my way up from the basement after shooting digitals of products for one of the clients we had. I had reached about the 20th floor when the elevator came to an abrupt stop. I heard a loud bang and the elevator dropped two floors. Scared shitless, my heart pounding, I stood rigid because I was afraid that the elevator cables had come loose and I didn't want it dropping further.

I pressed the button to open the door, but nothing happened. "Son of a bitch", I thought to myself, "I can't believe I'm stuck...and now I have to pee. Fuck!"

I pressed the emergency intercom button that signaled security.

"Hello? Is anyone there? I'm stuck in the elevator and I'm pregnant!"

No response.

Fucking hell.

Again I say "Hello?..."

I get this response: "Yeah, what's wrong?"

"I'm stuck in the elevator and I'm 5 months pregnant and I'll tell you now that I have to pee pretty bad, so you better get someone here fast."

I hear the security guard speak to someone in the background: "A pregnant lady is stuck in the elevator and she has to pee real bad...you better get someone fast to get her out!"

"We'll have someone there, so just hold on."

"O.K., I ain't going anywhere."

So I'm waiting...and waiting...and waiting. I hear someone at the doors.

"Hello?...can you hear me?"

"Yeah", I say, I can hear you."

"Hang on, we're working to get the doors open...it'll take a while. Are you O.K.?"

"I'm fine."

So I hear them clanging, banging, scraping. Finally, after about 30 minutes, the doors open. You'd think I could simply walk out and everything would be hunky dory, right? WRONG!!!!!

The doors open and I see a big wall in front of me. When the friggin elevator stopped dropping earlier, it dropped to the middle of a floor. So what I see is about 6 feet of wall in front of me with a about two feet of space from the top of the elevator to the bottom of the floor.

"Uh oh", one of the maintenance men say.

As I looked up, I could see about 5 men peering down at me. One of them tells me they'll have to drop a ladder down so that I can climb up and crawl out of the space.

Now, I'm trying not to panic, but by now my bladder is matching my uterus inch for inch...I'm wondering if I can fit through the space...and I'm hoping that while I crawl through, the elevator doesn't start to drop and crush me and the baby, and my bladder.

20 minutes go by and one of the guys brings a ladder along. They drop it down through the space and I start to climb up. Flashes of the elevator scene from the movie Speed run through my head. The maintenance guys are telling me "Easy now, we don't know how stable this elevator is."

Great, thanks guys.

I squeeze the upper part of my body through until I get to my stomach. I have to push my self further into the floor and really, basically, crush my stomach through the space.

Then I hear one of the maintenance men say "Uh oh". I look at his face and he's looking at something over my shoulder. I think to myself, "Oh fuck, the elevator's going to drop...oh fuck."

I slowly turn to see what's behind me. Now, this is where my ass comes into the scene. No matter how much I crush myself into the floor, my fat ass has the say as to whether or not I'm going to actually fit through.

I look back to the front and the "Uh oh" guy says, "You can do it, I know you can, just squeeze it through slowly."

Never in my life have I ever been so humiliated.

By the grace of God, I squirmed and squeezed and out popped my body. It was like a rebirth! I was alive! I didn't get crushed by an unstable elevator! And, miracle of all miracles, I didn't piss myself!

The men helped me to my feet and asked if I was O.K. I assured them I was, thanked them all, and ran to the bathroom. Sweet bliss followed. I took the stairs up the remaining floors to my office.

"Where were you? What took you so long to shoot the products?", I'm asked as I walk through the door.

I tell my story, and everyone has a good side splitting laugh over my ordeal.

"This could only happen to you, Shannon", says one of my co-workers.

I know.

15 Comments:

  • Oh My God, you poor thing, I bet you were so scared, and oh the embaressement.

    I used to work as a poter at the hospital and a fellow porter (luckily not me) got stuck in a lift for 15mins with a dead body he was pushing to the morgue.

    ewwww.

    By Blogger cHoCoMiLkRoCkS, at 4/30/2006 12:50 PM  

  • Ewww...that's creepy.

    I can laugh about it now, but the embarassment was the worst of it, LOL.

    By Blogger Shannon, at 4/30/2006 12:59 PM  

  • Oh man!! How terrifying!! You were so brave!! Just thinking about it gives me the chills!!

    By Blogger Tongue in Cheek Antiques, at 4/30/2006 4:07 PM  

  • I laughed my ass off when I read this post.

    And then I laughed at the bun pun.

    Great post, Shannon!

    By Blogger Kerri., at 5/01/2006 12:18 AM  

  • LOL, I wish I had the presence of mind to laugh my ass off at the time.

    By Blogger Shannon, at 5/01/2006 12:55 AM  

  • Hi, yeah he was ok.... you know what guys are like, even if he was freaked prob would not have admitted it.

    One of my co - workers shut the door on me while i was in the morgue and i freaked out and burst in to tears. then hit my co worker repeatedly when he opened the door. i used to smoke back then and it took me like 5 ciggies to recover from the horror.

    i'm a chicken, even though i've seen so many dead bodies it don't get better.

    and it was in the middle of the night.

    By Blogger cHoCoMiLkRoCkS, at 5/01/2006 9:14 AM  

  • I was about to say I laughed my ass off, but Kerri beat me to it.

    I wish I could laugh my ass off.

    So much more fun than W8Watchers.

    xo
    art-sweet

    By Blogger art-sweet, at 5/01/2006 1:36 PM  

  • Haha, laughing definitely beats WW!

    By Blogger Shannon, at 5/01/2006 1:37 PM  

  • LOL!

    Laughed my, well... what they said.

    Very funny post-- thanks for sharing!

    (Oh, and btw, I am so glad to hear that Brendon's surgery went well-- sounds like you all handled that experience beautifully.)

    By Blogger Sandra Miller, at 5/01/2006 2:00 PM  

  • Sandra, I'm glad you got a good laugh from the post :) And thank you for the compliment. I think next time we'll be much more assertive and insistent about his management...hopefully he won't need anymore surgeries in the future!

    By Blogger Shannon, at 5/01/2006 4:47 PM  

  • At least you've put it all behind you.
    You didn't make an ass of yourself.




    Sorry. It had to be done. No butts about it....

    I'm going, I'm going.

    ;-)

    By Blogger julia, at 5/02/2006 9:55 AM  

  • Har har har, good one Julia :)

    By Blogger Shannon, at 5/02/2006 12:32 PM  

  • LOL - wish I had a good ass pun for you but I'm fresh out...

    I always worry about getting stuck when I'm in a packed elevator (especially because of my supersonic sense of smell and the elevators always smell like someone's cig or kfc - then I also panic that I'd have a low and would have nothing with me). I always try to only ride alone or with a couple other people. Thanks, now I'm afraid to ride alone - ha!

    By Blogger Erica, at 5/02/2006 1:55 PM  

  • Like the others, I had a good laugh - unfortunately, my ass didn't fall off from the laughing (dammit!).

    I was stuck in an elevator once - at the hospital when Danielle was diagnosed - I was in there with my Dad and Brooke. OMG, my Dad has this annoying thing where he starts jumping when we step into an elevator (of course, as a joke - and only if he knows the people he's with).... well, he was doing his "thing" and the damned thing stopped - about five feet from the basement. I about crapped myself and he gave my kid a complex about elevators ever since.

    Jerk!

    Glad to hear you made it out ok - what a scene that must have been lol!

    By Blogger Jamie, at 5/02/2006 3:10 PM  

  • Boy Jamie, what an ASSinine thing your dad did, LOL.

    Erica, I would ASSume that getting stuck in an elevator alone might not be so bad as opposed to being stuck with someone who just ate KFC....you know what grease can do to a person, haha.

    By Blogger Shannon, at 5/02/2006 4:27 PM  

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