The Butterfly Effect

I took this photo in France inside the cave where Mary Magdalene lived out her last years.

The phrase refers to the idea that a butterfly's wings might create tiny changes in the atmosphere that ultimately cause a tornado to appear (or prevent a tornado from appearing). The flapping wing represents a small change in the initial condition of the system, which causes a chain of events leading to large-scale phenomena. Had the butterfly not flapped its wings, the trajectory of the system might have been vastly different.

From the day Brendon was diagnosed 5 years ago, I went through a majorly stressful period of time. Over the course of those first 2 months of his diagnosis, I was managing my son's new disease while pregnant with my third child, taking care of tiny, unassuming Jessica, looking for a new home to live in several hours away from family and friends, and, for eight months previous to Brendon's diagnosis and for another month after, seeing Jeff only on weekends since he was working out of state. To top it off, my mother-in-law was living with us due to her chronic emphysema.

Ironically enough, diabetes is the butterfly. This disease had effects on my life later on that I never imagined would occur.

The tightly woven series of events during the time Brendon was diagnosed showed me that I could survive just about anything.

But that was all I was doing: surviving.

Growing up, I had to live through some challenges, I've seen some bad things. I knew life wasn't fair and never saw cause to see life through rose colored glasses. It made things easier for me to cope with somehow. And I was always resilient.

I thought I could hold out over the course of the first 4 years, find myself again and return to my resilient self. Yet, I couldn't find the energy and strength to be the mom and wife I hoped to be. I was pouring myself into managing Brendon's diabetes which left little energy for anything else. As much as I wanted enthusiasm for all the good things in my life, I couldn't gain it. It ebbed and flowed on a daily basis. Just when I thought I was satisfied with my life, I'd find reason not to be.

For the first time, I had to beg for mercy.

My marriage was suffering.

We sought counseling for several months.

Afterward, I continued sole counseling for a few more months in order to fix my own problems.

Still, I had some choppy waters to personally get through in order to improve what I could offer my family, as well as myself.

I finally feel like I've turned a corner. In 2008, I've found the resilience I once lost.

I'm keeping my resolutions simple this year:

1. Get into the best shape I've ever been. Drop the last pounds of pregnancy weight and become lean and strong. This will give me the energy my family needs from me.

2. Go back to school to get myself ready for the working world....the one that actually makes me some money. This will improve our opportunities and will only add to what Jeff is doing so well with providing.